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2005-08-01 03:59:07

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Lost Book of the Bible: The Book of Amish

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Advertise the Amishness!!!

Welcome to the "Book of Amish". Before I get started, I would like to note that this is written completely tongue-in-cheek, and is not purposfully meant to offend anyone... just to have a little laugh.

Now, the person who origianally sparked all of this has read my version of the book of Amish, and then went on a rant about it... Something about "copywrite infiringement"... psshhh... ANYWAY, he says that he doesn't want to be affiliated with this, and demands that I tell you it cannot match the joyousness of the true book of the amish, as recorded by the last remaining high priest of the amish, Jon Meyer. (To see the true joyousness of the book of the amish, e-mail the last remaining high priest of the amish at mitch2oo6@hotmail.com) (Oh yeah... you'll be seeing that name in the story later... Definitely... hehehe)
(Best read in the Monty-Python voice... remember? The one with the guy reading from the holy book of armaments?..... Nevermind... It's funny without it, but that just makes it better....)

If anyone has any ideas on additions to the Book of Amish (Now that it has gotten going), please send them in a message to me, [M_Sinner].
Enjoy the fun!

Ok... I am going to have to split this thing into multiple pages, So enjoy the "rest of the story" at the following:

Go to Book of Amish 2
Go to Book of Amish 3
Go to Book of Amish 4
Check out the Awards and Honors at Book of Amish Awards and Honors

This page is in the Competition for the "Wiki of the Month," so read it and give me all of your praise!!! HAHAHA!!! Bow!!! BOW!!!

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The Book of Amish
As composed by Yukai, Bard of Someplacetown

Chapter 1: The Creation of the Amish

1. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And he saw that the earth was good, and put in it many things.
2. When he had finished putting things into it, he spoketh “WAIT A MINUTE… THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BORING…”
3. And so God created Humans.
4. The humans ruined God’s creation, eating of all the cute little furry animals and urinating on the plants.
5. And God spake “YOU MORONS.”
6. And so God selected the few humans that were not evil like the others, and they called themselves: The Vegetarians.
7. God said unto them, “I DO NOT LIKE THAT NAME, I SHALL CALL YOU ‘JEWS.’”
8. And so the Jews were God’s chosen people, and they did not eat of the cute little furry animals, nor did they urinate upon the plants.
9. God saw that the Jews were good, and so he thoughteth to himself, “I SHOULD MAKE ALL OF THE HUMANS JEWS BY EDUCATING THEM.”
10. And so God sent Jesus into the world to educate His people. And the Jews saw this and said, “We don’t like this.”
11. So they killed Jesus.
12. And Jesus was resurrected, and spake, “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
13. Now Jesus told his father of these happenings, and God looked down upon the Jews and spake, “BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE THIS THING, YOUR MALES SHALL BE CURSED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING, AND MUST REMOVE A PART OF THEIR MANHOOD, AND YOUR FEMALES SHALL HAVE SQUEAKY VOICES.”
14. And so God went on with the Jews as his chosen people, but their prayers were many, and their voices were as nails upon a chalkboard.
15. God quotethed, “I- HAVE HAD- ENOUGH.”
16. And he poured out fire and brimstone upon the Jews, wiping them from the planet.
17. And God looked upon what he had done, and he said unto himself, “WHOOPS… NOW I HAVE TO GET ANOTHER CHOSEN PEOPLE.”
18. And so God looked to the French, but they ran away; and He looked unto the republicans, but they were jerks; and He looked unto the democrats, but they were sissies; and so he looked unto the Germans, but they were loud; and so he looked unto the Japanese, and found that he couldn’t figure out their confusing speech.
19. And so, God said to himself, “I SHALL MAKE FOR MYSELF A NEW RACE TO BE MY CHOSEN PEOPLE."
20. And, taking a clot of dirt, a barn, and many pieces of straw, God created the Amish.
... Here ends the reading... Amen!

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Chapter 2 The Law of the Amish

1. And God saw that he must educate the Amish before they became morons, and ate of the little furry animals and urinated on the plants (see chapter 1).
2. And so, he wrote upon the barn wall these laws, entrusting their care to His high priest… Yoder…
3. But the Lord could not call these the ten commandments, for he had given these unto the Jews already… and so he called them, the ten Ammendments.
4. The first law reads thus: “Thou shalt not eat of the little furry animals, nor shalt thou urinate upon the plants, lest thou become morons.”
5. The second Law reads thus: “Nor shalt thou eat of the little piggies, for thou art what thou eatest, nor shalt thou eat of the cows, for they give unto you the milk, and the milk is very good.”
6. The third law reads thus: “Thou shalt urinate into the waters, for the plants cannot be urinated upon.”
7. The fourth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not eat of the fishes, because thou hast urinated upon them.”
8. The fifth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not drink of the water, for thou hast urinated into it; instead, thou shalt drink of the milk of the cows… for it is very good.”
9. The sixth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not eat of the grains of the fields, for it went into your creation.”
10. The seventh law reads thus: : "Thou shalt cover thine heads and arms, lest thou be burned and appear as a cherry."
11. The eigth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not walk upon the roads, lest the evil ‘vehicles’ of the morons dash you assunder.”
12. The ninth law reads thus: “Thou shalt honor the high priest, by giving him stuff every Sunday.”
13. The tenth law reads thus: “Thou shalt not kill Jesus.”
14. The twelfth law reads thus…. Here ends the reading…. Amen!

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Chapter 3 The Seven Deadly Sins: The Sin of Gluttony

1. And God looked down upon his people, and saw that his people could eat of nothing.
2. And so God said, “I SHALL MAKE A FOOD FIT FOR MY PEOPLE… AND I SHALL CALL IT… GRANOLA.”
3. And so God created the Granola from all of the good and sweet things of the earth.
4. And when the granola had been made, God said, “I SHALL TRY THE GRANOLA TO SEE IF IT IS GOOD FOR EATING.”
5. And God ate of the granola, and found that it was very, *very* good.
6. It was so good, in fact, that He continued to eat of the granola, day and night.
7. And he horded all of the granola to Himself, storing some in His altar for safe keeping.
8. And when he looked down upon his people, he saw that they were starving, and their bodies were thin from lack of food.
9. And so God rained down mana upon the people, as he had the Jews so long ago. They ate of it, and found that it was good.
10. But the High Priest... Yoder... Found the hidden granola, and pertook of it... and he found that it was very, *very* good.
11. And he gave it unto God's people, and they found that it was very, *very* *VERY* good.
12. And they ate of it day and night.
13. They ate of it for so long, in fact, that many of them became great and fat in their gluttony.
14. And God looked down again on His people, and saw that they could not move. And so, he slew those who had eaten of the granola, save his high priest... Yoder.
15. And so God made for His people a new gift, made from the sugar, and the juices, and the many chemicals of the land, for his people could not bear the mana any longer. And He called it “Bubblicious.”
16. And he saw that the bubblicious was very good, but did not make his people great and fat, as did the granola.
17. And so God gave them this gift, but cursed them with the deadly sin… of gluttony.
… Here ends the reading… Amen!

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Chapter 4 The Seven Deadly Sins: The Sin of Lust

1. And it came to pass that time went on, and the Amish did not increase in numbers, for they were not told how to reproduce… they were told only that it was “icky”.
2. And so, not understanding it, they built many churches unto the Lord their God, praising him for the bubblicious.
3. And upon one of these days of worship, in a church of two stories, Ezekial sat upon the second floor, looking down upon the altar made in the shape of a barn.
4. And, looking down during the sermon, not paying attention, as is the custom during a sermon, his eyes fell upon a woman of blessed features.
5. And this woman, named Nikki, was following not the law to cover thine head, and her hair was down, flowing over her as a river.
6. And her dress was very, very short. So short in fact that you could see… you could see… (Whispered) her ankles!
7. And her dress was… it was… (Whispers with disgust) colored!!!
8. And, seeing this sight, Ezekial became very interested in Nikki, staring at her throughout all the service.
9. And, leaning over to get a better view, he looked down upon the blessed features of Nikki, and… (said as though it is painful to form the words) he popped one.
10. Now, as the blood rushed from his head to accommodate this unprecedented event, Ezekial found himself unconscious from lack of blood to the brain.
11. And Ezekial fell over the edge of the rail, landing upon the unmodest harlot and KILLING THEM BOTH!
12. And so God granted the Amish the ability to reproduce, but cursed his people with the deadly sin… of Lust.
… Here ends the reading… Amen!

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Like I said... I have had to continue this at the following:
Go to Book of Amish 2
Go to Book of Amish 3
Go to Book of Amish 4
Check out the Awards and Honors at Book of Amish Awards and Honors

2005-01-28 [Achrador]: Dude you are one f+ed up individual. lol totally of the wall stuff. I LOVE IT. *Begins throwing cans of coffea beans at you*

2005-01-28 [jester13]: unko you have much to much time on your hands i swear we are the nerdiest dude who arent really nerds

2005-01-28 [Achrador]: hahaha read this to people at work LTFAO...

2005-01-29 [Achrador]: omfg, you my friend are very veryveryveryvery very...VERY, demented.....lol But ...I LOVE IT.....HAHAHAHAHAHHA>< all hail the MOYERS.....*begins chanting* MOYERS MOYERS><....lol here ends the reading...

2005-01-29 [M_Sinner]: Lol.... All Hail the "Meyer"!... He originally gave me the idea for this. I am going to keep revising the laws, adding more to fit more of the deadly sins... any ideas on what i can do after 7ds?

2005-01-29 [The one that WAS shay]: thats some funny shit dude

2005-01-29 [Achrador]: lol, we are very aware that my friend unko is very freakin derranged..lol

2005-01-29 [The one that WAS shay]: lol

2005-01-30 [Achrador]: LOL AHAH AH HAH .That is very interesting,,, you have to much time my friend but it very FUNNY HAHAHA..

2005-01-30 [M_Sinner]: too much time?! Ten minutes is too much time?! Bwahahahahahaa!!! I have to do math homework!!!

2005-01-30 [Achrador]: lol, for you yes.. masterfull DM..lol

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: hey you said that there were changess in here no fair..lol

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: you have been fooled oh foolish one *dances like a monkey* MWAHAHAHA

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: wth, were did you come from, OOOhhhh are you that monkey that is on unkos back????

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: hehehhehehhe...maaaaaybe ^-^ maaaaaaaaybe not

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: lol, Now is that a ....good thing...or a ....bad thing...lol

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: who knows...depends on how perverted you are

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: O.o I am not the perverted one unko is that one..no j/k lol

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: lol...IM the perverted one believe it or not

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: I believe it lol..

2005-02-01 [M_Sinner]: Harsh, achrador... very harsh... Lol, you never were the one for subtlety in mssgs. Lol.

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: lol, you are very funny my old friend...lol

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: i am perverted though...my nick isnt Dirty Blonde for nothing *winks at achrador*

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: *nods in agreement* I see what you mean was his only words.

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: -_-...whats your problem?

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: I have many, and I do not know half of them, my main is that I am still here....Sorry...I may be better later....

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: lol..poor depressed lil boy *pats achradors head*

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: *looks up* I do not know anymore my friend, no si nada tambien mas...

2005-02-01 [The one that WAS shay]: do you need a hug?

2005-02-01 [Wes Foxx]: rofl XD excellent stuff

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: lol, it is isnt it...im telling you, he has lost everythi....wait how can you lose something that you have never had..lol

2005-02-01 [M_Sinner]: *laughs insanely* Yes!!!! THe book of amish is fulfilling its mission of brining joy to all!!! *does a dance, spilling his pepsi all over the tavern*

2005-02-01 [Achrador]: ahhh, *lights the pepsi on fire* I knew it wasnt just pepsi..lol

2005-02-02 [M_Sinner]: AHHHHHHH!!!! I must have mixed the margaritas and pepsi the wrong way!!!! *starts stomping to put it out*... k, enough of all that... wrong place, always the right time... Lol.

2005-02-02 [Achrador]: lol, stomps to. dance...burn...lol....

2005-02-02 [Cina]: Unko!! Great wiki!! 'Tis hilarious. You're right, it's more hilarious when read in a monty-python voice!! And you're too kind putting a thanks up there..all you have to do is use your everyday bible!

2005-02-02 [M_Sinner]: Eeekk!!! Don't hurt me... I looked in my Bible, but couldn't find it... perhaps I should read it a bit more carefully... "meditate upon them day and night"

2005-02-02 [Cina]: lol. My bible has a little dictionary in the back. It's quite useful!

2005-02-02 [M_Sinner]: Mine does too... Let me look again... nope... It's just got an appendix with a concordance... It doesn't really have any 'dictionary' that I can look up things like the seven deadly sins. It only directs me to Bible verses with a selected word... Already checked... nothing on Pride, Envy or Wrath as deadly sins. I don't think that it is worth while to look further. You all do see the link to Book of Amish 2, right? If not, there's more there.

2005-02-02 [Achrador]: well holle once again unko..how are you doing. I will look in my bible and see if I see what cina does...later..kk..lol

2005-02-05 [Cina]: You won't find it directly in you're bible, because the 7 deadly sins were compiled by the Catholic Church. My bible just mentions them in the dictionary, (although it's not a catholic bible)

2005-02-07 [Achrador]: ahhh, gay sparkly sword...nooooo. i knew it...lol

2005-02-07 [Achrador]: lol, why did it change so quickly lol///...

2005-02-08 [bonhoggen]: F%$#ing awsome

2005-02-08 [The one that WAS shay]: *gasps* WaTcH YoUR MoUth!!! lol jk

2005-02-10 [jester13]: yo wats up unko i back from my ventures ....nice i like the little fishy part lol o the seven deadly sins are in the movie seven great movie so any who toodles

2005-02-10 [Cina]: *gets out maracha's* oooh, nooo..*shake-a* swearing! *shake-a* please-no-swearing! *shake-a* (song over.)

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: O.o

2005-02-12 [M_Sinner]: Whoo-hoo!!! Take the crappy banner and advertise us!!!

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: burn iiiittttt, yyyyayyeyy, UNKO BURN IT ~says in a far of voice~

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: O.o you guys are scaring me

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: lol, now why is that...lol. I am sorry... but I like to burn things...lol ok I will try to stop...just tell me what I am donig...lol

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: im lonely...wil sumbody talk to me?

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: ooook, how is that supposed to help, unko left I say you fill his house with messages...lol

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: lol...can i talk to you!?

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: O.o now thats a question...lol....

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: O.o hahe

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: so are you filling [M_Sinner]s house with about 800 messages..lol JK he said that he was going to do that to me to make sure that I remembered the sketch book..ll

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: lol

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: oooook. evil laughter without reason is kinda scary...and you say that we are scaring you..lol...ooooooooooooookkk

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: hahe *pounces ach*

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: shit...lol why in the hell am I always trying to get jumped on... ~side stepps~

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *lands on floor face first skidding roughly against the ground* owwies

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: opps.. ~walks over and helps her up~ sorry ~grins~

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: meany *pouts*

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: ooh, now I am the meany huh? lol... ok what every you say...

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *ish tired*

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: well go to sleep.............you ar egetting sleepy....very sleeppy..lol

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *drops to floor* -_-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: WOW, it worked lol.......~walks by her and steps over and walks to the door shuts out the lights and walks out of the room~

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *wakes up and sees exactly what i saw when my eyes were closed...nothing

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *screams* HEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEE

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: lol, ~hears screem and speeks through the door~ you are dead, and you will never leave this room again!!!! ~evil booming voice..~ muwahahaha

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *cries* im all alone where is my lover *cries and screams*

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: ahhhh ~opens door and turns on light ,~befoer he left he switched bulb out with ultra bright light bulb~ You have been transferred to heaven,..~soft melencholy voice.. Welcome

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: EEEEEK! Im MeLTinG!!!!

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: opps, wrong light, ~hits ither switch, softer more senile light~ there that is better..

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *smiles* hahe

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: ok welcome to heav...screw this...lol its ok...j ust as joke..lol

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *looks around* screw what?

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: never mind

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: awww...i wanted to screw somthiing hahe jk

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: What the hell, go find your lover, he will be abbliged...lol

2005-02-12 [The one that WAS shay]: *cries*

2005-02-12 [Achrador]: ops, again..sorrrrryy..lol

2005-03-09 [Cina]: Heyyy! Congrats on winning the Wiki award! My fav. RP won too ^.^ congratulations!!

2005-03-09 [The one that WAS shay]: ...*looks around* <.< >.>...yes isnt it wonderfull i put a lot of effort into it ^-^

2005-03-09 [Wes Foxx]: lol same with my wiki group Order of Inari oO the only reason i mention this is i was wondering if you wanted to ally with us. More publicity is always good

2005-03-09 [The one that WAS shay]: uhhhh...sure? im not really the owner [M_Sinner] ish i thinks

2005-03-09 [Wes Foxx]: Im just posting it 'cuz i thought of it. Knowing me, id randomly forget it and remember it at the freakiest time. The Numa-Numa dance does that to me o@

2005-03-09 [The one that WAS shay]: o.0 the wha!?

2005-03-09 [Wes Foxx]: Oo go to newgrounds.com, it started there, over 1 million views and countless spoofs. http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=8207

2005-03-10 [M_Sinner]: Achrador... what did I tell you about random flirt-messages in the wiki?...

2005-03-10 [M_Sinner]: Yes!!! We shall ally!!!! Non shall stop our new world domination!!! (See the War of the Amish in Book of Amish 3)

2005-03-11 [Achrador]: lol...welcome back from your long journey from the far side of the river Lethe... Shall you have a ride to the other.... It was she.. She started it..If you read CORRECTLY..lol you will see that I was merely attempting to put her love time..somewhere else...lol..

2005-03-12 [The one that WAS shay]: XD sorry im such a bad little girl

2005-03-12 [Achrador]: lol.. I understand...lol...I am sure that by now we all do...lol

2005-03-13 [The one that WAS shay]: *bites ach* grrr...

2005-03-13 [M_Sinner]: *Starts Chanting* "S and M! S and M! S and M!..."

2005-03-13 [The one that WAS shay]: ...?

2005-03-14 [Achrador]: there is another fine example... here we go again...with the evilness...

2005-03-15 [The one that WAS shay]: RAwR!!!! *attacks unko and his stupidness*

2005-03-15 [Achrador]: ~draws .45 and begins firing randm shots~lol...hmmmm.very interesting...I could use another undead minion....lol

2005-03-15 [The one that WAS shay]: *hides from achs gun of evulness* BWA!

2005-03-15 [Achrador]: ~ohh. stop fireing... ~ lol.. opsss

2005-03-15 [M_Sinner]: *Unko looks around for his stupidnes* Grrr... he and I are old rivals... I have been trying to slay him since I was twelve... *Turns around to continue looking... the Stupidness is on his back.*

2005-03-16 [Achrador]: ~points at unkos stupidiness prepearing to fire~ Hold still my old friend...Ive just about got 'em...

2005-03-16 [The one that WAS shay]: are all boys scary or is it just you two?

2005-03-16 [Achrador]: lol......I find that qiute....funny you should say that...lol....I am not sure...let us see what "The Unko" has to say..lol

2005-03-16 [The one that WAS shay]: *looks at "the unko"*

2005-03-16 [M_Sinner]: Quoth the [M_Sinner]... All men are scary boys trying to hide within the shell of respectability... ach and I have realized that it is all a lie, and embraced the truth.

2005-03-17 [The one that WAS shay]: o.0...the blonde doesh not get it

2005-03-21 [Achrador]: ~dyes her hair brown~ Get it now...

2005-04-06 [Achrador]: I am bieng completly random.. so when unko loggs on again his screen is filed with changes.. lol

2008-09-27 [Urz]: so, where's may granola, moyers?! hmm?!

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